Want to know what a MAN’s man really thinks about children?

As I read last week’s edition of YS Weekly “Oh Baby!” it became very apparent to me that the perspective of a real Man’s Man was missing. So, here are some pearls of wisdom from the legendary Saturday Night Live sketch “Deep Thoughts with Jack Handey” on the subject of kids:

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is “God is crying.” And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is “Probably because of something you did.”

One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake.

I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream, but they don’t know I’m using blanks.

Instead of mousetraps, what about baby traps? Not to harm the babies, but just to hold them down until they can be removed?

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said, “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.